Grief writing - Entry 10
Melancholy suits me because I've always been a realist.
Paying attention means knowing melancholy.
I listen closely to what is exactly said. How it's said. I listen closer to what is not said.
I've been disappointed 100x over, so this death almost felt like I had it coming.
I work and set my intentions, but have big failures. Things don't work out. I have successes, but disappointment feels familiar. I go for big goals, but the people involved in those fail to support me.
Being human means making mistakes. But sometimes those mistakes are a matter of life and death. And those mistakes will affect me forever.
Those mistakes won't affect anyone else as much.
Mistakes change lives, and often not for the better.
Life has become even more melancholic. A melancholy I don't believe I will ever get a reprieve from now.
I don't believe people do their best. People do what's comfortable. When their "best" might be needed from someone else, often they fall short.
Best takes more effort than what's comfortable.
Best takes more vulnerability than what's comfortable.
Best takes more care, and empathy than what's normal.
Best take paying attention, and being proactive, and saying and doing more.
I see clearly how most people aren't ever doing their best, and that's why melancholy suits me.
I'm told I have impossible standards. I don't think that's true.
We are a society held back by fear.
Fear of other people. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of lack of acceptance. With a need to defend our storyline.
My melancholy is derived from a massive disappointment in most people.
This disappointment is derived from my hope in humanity.
I've been called an optimist before, I am hopeful. But shit, melancholy is safer.
My hope gives power to others to rise or disappoint.
Expectation.
My hope leads to expectation which is where I am failing massively.
How can one have hope without having expectation?
Acceptance and understanding if failure happens, oof that is hard to swallow, especially in grief.
We want people to show up for us when we feel we need it the most and they don't.
Melancholy suits me, because it feels safer.
Keeping hopes at bay keeps my expectations low.
I can't help but feel forced into this melancholic state due to the lack and failure to show up by others.
Ugh.