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If I allow myself to sink into the pain..

Grief writing - Entry 12

I don't know if I am understanding this prompt, but if I allow myself to feel the intensity of this grief I feel absolutely gutted. I never had a major biological clock ticking, but I did feel it would be really cool to experience pregnancy one time in life and we got lucky and it finally happened. Then while pregnant, I enjoyed most of it, and I had intentions to only be pregnant that one time. Any other children could come into our lives through the foster care system because we were already licensed and knew what that entailed. And then Miles died during childbirth. Only wanting one pregnancy has now turned into two. But everything about the timing of THAT pregnancy was perfect. I was 38, healthy, and we'd have our one biological child. But he died. And now? Well, now I am already 40, time ticking at this age is risky and chances of getting pregnant get more and more rare. I was healthy. I like to think I still am, but in the 37th hour of labor, I somehow developed severe preeclampsia. Yet another thing my midwives did not catch. And now, truly shocking to me, they've found a cyst on my ovary. I have never had that in all my 40 years. I feel like more and more the chips are stacking against me. Forget if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again, I cannot and will never have the natural homebirth I so wanted. Everything of that vision is forever in the dust. I won't feel safe. A blissful pregnancy is gone. The longer I think about pregnancy at all, with all that has happened, and the more time it takes and the more information I receive, the more it's feeling like it's not going to happen. That pain is almost as bad as the grief. Why did this have to happen to us? Of all people. We are the healthy ones. We are the responsible ones who waited until the time was right. We have the means and the wisdom to guide our child through a wonderful upbringing and life. None of this makes sense. The infertility and the loss just don't feel like they fit into our lives. When I sink into the pain I still can't believe this happened to us, and I feel more hopeless with each passing month. What if that was our one chance to have our only biological child? It will be ok. There are babies in the world who need parents. But our family with Miles will never be. I sit at the beach and see young boys of all ages, and I see Miles, and I see the life we will never get to have with him. In my rawest and most vulnerable state, I find myself crying and wondering why, why why?!

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