Grief writing - Entry 17
Grief is in every squirrel because for some odd reason I believe Miles came to me as a squirrel early on. I used to be surrounded by squirrels, hence his spirit. But now I see fewer squirrels, but when one pops up, I tell myself self "Miles is here to say..." or "Miles is here to show me that..." Grief is in every adventure. Because Miles should be with us. So I make sure to go on adventures, to fill my free time either with things I wouldn't be doing if he was here, or things that are awesome that I would love to be experiencing and showing him right along with us. Like right now, we drove 2 hours north to stay along the coast just near the Golden Gate Bridge. We hiked along the ridge of tall ocean cliffs. I take a moment to reflect and think- 'wow, that's beautiful, and it's important we take adventures now especially because Miles isn't able to be with us. I should fill that deep painful void with nature and other natural beauties of the world.' I do it for him and with him in mind and heart. He's always there, just a few moments from every step. Because he is everywhere now. Miles is in every experience and in everything. Having him near on adventures where it's just me and Alex feels better than allowing the grief to be just as close. I'd rather think sweet thoughts than sad ones sometimes. The grief is right there saddled up beside me too, but sometimes, on the beautiful adventures I'd rather think of Miles than think of how I'm sad and I wish he was there, or how everything would be different if he were there. I often think, 'would I even be here right now if he was here?' That grief is already in everything else. The thoughts between Miles and grief are milliseconds apart. In every toddler I see. Every family at the beach. Every cousin and friend on Facebook with their newborns and growing infants. The loss and the grief are the stinging reminders. The young boys at various ages, the missing of milestones. The exploration through a child's eyes. The grief is there and he is there. I'm always wondering what he would be like at every age.