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A moment the pain and loss feels different..

Grief writing - Entry 24


I want to be happy. Who doesn't want to be? 

Cooking makes me happy, eating makes me happier. 

When Miles died, we returned to being DINKS - dual income, no kids. 

This re-opened a world of possibilities for choosing what I want to do for work and sustaining life outside of my deep grief. 

When I was expecting to be a mother to an infant, then baby, then toddler, and infertility returned to follow me like an unwelcomed shadow, I had to decide what was next. I got to choose what I really wanted. 

I'd been hiring food photographers for work for years, they got to cook and shoot beautiful images of their food creations and get paid for it. Ultimately get paid to eat delicious food! I wanted that. 

So I did it. And two days ago I submitted my very first invoice for paid food photography and recipe content creation!!

I'm in a healing group (not specific to grief) called Got Adult? 

I've needed that group because, in a time of physical separation for most people during Coronavirus, I needed more human connection. 

There are at least 25 people in that zoom group and we meet for four Thursdays, 2.5 hours each week. 

I have obviously needed to tell more people my story and Miles' story because everyone I meet in small breakout groups I tell. 

And if feels good. 

But what felt even better this week, was breaking the news to two new people, but then saying I was so happy and excited to make and eat homemade pizza I was getting paid to eat! 

I said something along the lines of - Eat pizza and be Happy! and I giggled. 

Grief is literally right there next to me, but so is passion and pride, and satisfaction for what I have chosen to dream up and accomplish for myself since the biggest plan I ever made failed and died last year. 

There will always be a dead baby, but getting paid for making pizza this week felt pretty damn good. 

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