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So I'm taking a grief writing course..

Updated: Aug 13, 2020

I decided to take a grief writing course. I will be publishing my entries here on my blog.


Grief Writing - Entry 1

Who was the person you used to be?

I was innocent, naive, trusting, confident, sure of my path and my plan. I knew what I wanted and went for it trusting the universe and my providers that all would turn out safely and well. Because I was healthy. I was fit to have a baby. The person I used to be was ready to be a parent and a mother. I used to be happy, happier? Yes, I was happier.

I used to engage more, and with more confidence. It feels difficult to NOT answer who I am now, so I am trying to stick to the question.. the past. 

I used to be a failure in many ways, but I succeeded at one thing, getting pregnant naturally. My body did the right thing. I used to be proud of my body. I used to be proud of myself. I was oblivious and blindly hopeful. I so want to say "And now..." but I'm stopping myself. 

I was more happy-go-lucky, not all the time, let's be honest. I was a skeptic, I was a realist, but I didn't know risk. I didn't know Florida state midwifery statutes. I didn't know anything was wrong. I was obliviously hopeful. Doesn't everyone want to be? I was a planner. I was a prepared mother. I was nesting. I was proactive until I wasn't. I trusted. I trusted blindly. I think everyone did.

Long ago I was a woman who thought she didn't want any children. But then I did. And after a long time of proactive information and knowledge seeking, I was an excited expectant mother. I trusted nothing would go wrong. 

The person I used to be engaged more, connected more, talked more, asserted more, cared more... (hm. more on that later, I still care, but my trust in people has made me care in a different way.) 

I used to let more people in more regularly. I reached out to keep in touch WAY more. I held people higher. I made the first move more. I reached out first more. I wanted to. I waited on people to reciprocate a lot too though. I was a "tit for tat person", told to me by a couple of different people. 

Who was the person you used to be? 

I used to be Heather unbroken, just hurt and a little damaged, a little untrusting. I used to be childless. Child-free by choice. I only knew death at a distance. Heartache lied in past failures.

I used to be driven. I used to be able to handle stress. I used to be able to multitask. I used to be able to remember. I used to have no problem going to hospitals or see or hear ambulances. I used to feel nothing around small children and babies. I was full of thoughts without feelings. I was full of feelings without deep pain, only a little pain. I didn't know suffering and I didn't know despair. I was a stranger to deep grief. I was a stranger to many forms of compassion and empathy.

I used to more easily find fault and blame in others. There were always reasons. I used to think there was a reason for everything. I used to think I understood life a little better. Life used to make more sense. Life used to be easier. The person I used to be is not the person I am now. The person I used to be can never return fully. The person I used to be is forever changed. 

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